She Loves Me Not
by Siren6
Summary: Spike is tormented by voices. Takes place after Buffy decides to help him


She Loves me Not By Siren  
  
Hey guys. This is focusing a lot on Buffy/Spike. This is after she takes him in. A lot of insane thoughts from Spike. I don't own any of the Buffy cast, or 'She loves me not' by Papa Roach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When I see her eyes look into my eyes  
  
Then I realize that she can see inside my head  
  
So I close my eyes, thinking that I could hide  
  
Disassociate So I don't have to lose my head  
  
Spike ran his hands through his hair. He had done what the voices asked, but the plan failed. He wanted her desperately, his soul craving to feel her touch. But in the end, he was unable to go through with it. He couldn't kill her and turn her into what she loathed. She had agreed to help him and took him in. It was one of the rare moments of compassion that she showed him.  
  
"You failed. How could she ever love a weak, pathetic creature like you?" the voice taunted. He growled, his true face showing. "Stop it!" he shouted, grabbing at his head. So many voices and forms, he couldn't tell them apart anymore. The voices all laughed, and soon became one form. It became the form he loved and hated the most. The blonde haired girl knelt in front of him and touched his face gently. "How could I ever love you?" she asked.  
  
His face crumpled in pain as he felt her stroke his face softly. "I need someone strong than I can depend on. But look at you. You were once a fierce creature. Now, you're nothing but a pathetic dog. You're too afraid to accept your true nature and too soft to take what you need to survive. Those humans are beneath you, Spike. Just accept who you are, and you could be free."  
  
He whimpered, his eyes falling on the form in front of him. She smiled slightly and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Do you love me?" Spike nodded. "You know I do," he choked out. She smiled. "Do you want me?" He nodded again. "I always do." The form stood up and looked at the door. "You can have me. All you have to do is make me your's. You can do that, can't you?" Spike looked at the door. He was in the guest room, and Buffy was just down the hall. He could sneak into her room while she was sleeping, bite into her neck and drink her dry.  
  
"No! No, I won't do it!" he howled. He loved her. He could never kill her, let alone turn her. The form in front of him growled and struck him. "You're so pathetic! I can barely stand your presence!"  
  
I don't know if I care  
  
I'm the jerk, life's not fair  
  
Fighting all the time, this is out of line  
  
She loves me not, do you realize  
  
I won't compromise, she loves me not  
  
"Spike?" Her sweet voice met his ears, and he forced back a smile. It was her, and she was real. The door opened, revealing the slayer. She looked at him, hazel eyes searching the room for something. "Need something, slayer?" Buffy's eyes fell on him and she smiled slightly. "No, I was just seeing if you were okay. You are okay, right?" Spike smiled and nodded. "I'm fine. Just a bit restless."  
  
Buffy nodded and stepped inside the room. "Tell me about it. The vamps have been dormant and I've had nothing to kill," she pouted. Spike loved that about her. Despite her protests, she was a raw, primal creature at the core. Her instinct told her to hunt, and she grew restless with nothing to kill. He could easily attack her and have her kill him, but he knew she wouldn't. She may not love him, but she felt for him. "Maybe it's the big bad that's coming. We vamps may be somewhat immortal, but we're not stupid."  
  
Buffy nodded and leaned against the wall. "I suppose." It was than that she noticed the condition of the room. Papers were strewn about, and the bed was unmade. "I never thought you'd be the sloppy type. The crypt was dirty, but it wasn't messy." He looked away and hid his eyes from her. He'd taken out his anger and frustration on the room, feeling like a caged animal. "Sorry, I'm just restless. The cravings." he trailed off. Buffy nodded. Ever since he tasted human blood again, he craved it. "I know it's hard. But I can't have you running loose and feeding. It's part of my job."  
  
He raised his eyes to meet her. "It's your job to kill me. Why don't you just get it over with?" She flinched and looked away. "You know why," she said softly. He sighed and sat down. It was confusing. She said she didn't love him, but she felt something for him. She used to say that it was disgust or hatred. But if that were the case, than he would be dead by now. "One of these days you'll have to do it though. Someday, you'll find someone and your feelings won't hold you back. I can sense your frustration. You have to restrain yourself from killing me."  
  
She frowned and walked towards him. "What are you talking about?" He smirked and fidgeted nervously. "You may be human, but you're a slayer at the core. You have to fight the slayer inside to keep from killing me. You may see me as 'Spike', but the slayer in you just sees another demon that needs killin'. You should listen to your instincts, Buff. Just take one of your stakes and kill me."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "You're wrong. I may be a slayer, but I'm Buffy Summers at the core. I admit that sometimes I want to just get it over with and kill you. But I can't. I'm not holding back, I'm doing what my instincts tell me to." Spike looked at her with teary eyes. "Do you love me?" She cringed and looked away. "Why do you do this to yourself? You already know the answer."  
  
Over the past five years  
  
I have shed my tears  
  
I have drank my beers and watched my fears fly away  
  
Until this day, she still swings my way  
  
But it's sad to say sometimes she says she loves me not  
  
Spike scratched at his hands, and thought back to when a girl told him something. It was the girl that knew she was going to die. A blonde girl, somewhat lost within herself. 'Did she tell you? She will soon.' Spike frowned and choked down a sob. All he wanted to hear from the slayer were three simple words. Yet she denied him those words, and chose to let him suffer.  
  
"If you don't love me, than why won't you kill me? I would rather die than suffer like this." Buffy struck him and he fell to the ground. He looked up to see her straddling him with a stake over his heart. "Is this what you want? Do you want to die, or do you want to give me some time?" He blinked and stared into her hazel eyes. "Give you time?" She pressed the stake into his skin a bit, and he winced. "Yes. After everything that's happened, I won't lie and say that I feel nothing for you. But I need time before I can say anything else. But if you can't wait, than just say the word and I'll kill you right now."  
  
He stared up at her in shock and she tilted her head. "So? Do you want to die, or are you going to give me time to sort everything out?" He nodded. "Take all the time you need." Satisfied with the answer she took the stake away and stood up. She slipped the stake into her sleeve and opened the door. She paused and looked over her shoulder. "You need time to figure stuff out, too. It takes time for the cravings to go away. Angel went through the same thing. I know you're restless, but you have to understand that I can't let you out of my sight."  
  
He nodded. "I understand." Sighing, she left the room and closed the door. He stared at the door for a moment, letting everything sink in. He heard a familiar chuckle and growled. "She will never give you what you want. She will never love you." He turned around and saw Drusilla standing behind him. "I loved you, my Spike. She can never allow herself to love you. Not fully. Deep down, part of you knows it. Move on, love. Embrace your new future. For beneath you it devours."  
  
He shook his head. "Whether she loves me or not, I will not hurt her. I love her." The voices laughed at him and mocked him. "Foolish boy. It doesn't matter how much you love her. You can bare your heart and soul to her, and she will never love you. She was right though. Why do this to yourself?" He shrugged. "I'm a patient guy. I can wait. She can have all the time she wants to sort things out." The voice growled and looked away. "Pathetic creature."  
  
I feel like, what's the big deal?  
  
  
  
Girl, we're tearing up each other's world  
  
  
  
We should be in harmony, boy and girl  
  
  
  
That is the promise we made back in the day  
  
  
  
We told each other things wouldn't be this way  
  
Buffy sighed and sat down on her bed. "You love him, don't you?" The slayer turned to her sister and shook her head. "I don't know, Dawnie. I just don't know." Dawn sat down next to her sister and pulled her into a hug. "Did you tell him?" Buffy shook her head. "No," she said, tears welling in her eyes. Dawn nodded. "You should tell him soon." The slayer shut her eyes tightly, knowing everything she felt for him was wrong. But he got his soul back for her. And she couldn't force herself to feel a different way. Not after everything they'd been through.  
  
I think we should work this out  
  
It's all right baby, we can scream and shout  
  
Life's not fair  
  
I'm the jerk, she loves me not 


End file.
